


guns for hands

by haruwiki



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M, i think there's some fluff in here, kaneki eats a lot of people and cries, lots of angst and internal monologue, shuu being the best boyfriend, there's not really graphic gore but it's there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 07:45:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3760213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haruwiki/pseuds/haruwiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>they'll get through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	guns for hands

**Author's Note:**

> oh man i kind of impulse wrote this while i was having an anxiety attack lmao writing helps me calm down and i guess this mess was adequate enough for me to upload.
> 
> this is completely un-beta'd since i literally got the idea and wrote this in like 40 minutes.
> 
> it's set after kaneki kills everyone at the ghoul restaurant just so u know ok yeah enjoy !!

Disgusting.

Kaneki's stomach turns, and suddenly he feels overwhelmingly nauseous. He looks down, at the mess beneath him. Corpses. Corpses everywhere. Did he really kill this many?

The body of a woman lies motionless beside his foot. Her eyes are both gone. Kaneki vaguely remembers tearing them out with his bare hands. Her stomach is slashed and what's left of her organs spill across the floor. Both her legs are bent and broken, chunks bitten out of them. Her left arm is almost completely gone, only bone and a little flesh remaining. Kaneki can't believe he did this, that he's the one who mutilated her so badly. She could have a family, for all he knows, and now they have to find out how brutally she was killed, by a monster, a heartless fucking monster. Because that's all he is, right?

The scene is much the same across the rest of the restaurant. Ghouls lie dead everywhere he looks, missing various parts of their bodies. A head gone here, both legs gone there, blood and organs staining the floor and the walls, painting them a grim shade of red. It's a massacre, a vile act committed by a vile being. Kaneki is that vile being.

His legs buckle beneath him, and he falls to the floor. He's well aware of the fact that he's landed right on top of someone's intestines, but at this moment he couldn't care less. As he kneels in the silent room, knowing he's the only one who's alive in here, he lets the tears fall. He sobs, sobs for the ghouls he just killed, for the relentless guilt he's feeling, for the sad state, the monster he knows he's become. He's pathetic. Fucking pathetic. He has no restraint. He could have stopped after a few, after he'd gotten his fill of food, but he didn't. He continued to kill, to slash at necks, to tear at flesh. He couldn't stop. And now, with a full stomach (uncomfortably full), the guilt sets in. None of these people deserved to die, none of them. He's the one who should have limbs missing. He's the one who should be lying in a pool of blood. He's the one who should be dead.

Kaneki's never felt this kind of remorse before. Of course, he's killed before, but never on this scale, and never so recklessly. His heart aches for the lives he stole, for all the families and friends who will be grieving for them this time tomorrow. They'll be dying to know who the killer was, and no doubt they'll be out for blood. Kaneki smiles slightly at the thought of being slaughtered by them. Right now, he would gladly accept death. For a moment, he wishes a group of Doves would break down the doors. He'd be happy to be stabbed through the stomach with a quinque. Maybe he'll be lucky enough to see his own blood spilling out of the wound before he loses consciousness, a final reminder of how awful he is.

By now, he's hunched over on all fours, still crying, his sobs echoing in the painful silence. The visions are coming back, images of Rize and Yamori taunting him, no matter how hard he tries to push them away. He tries so hard to block them out, but they won't budge. They kneel beside him, as usual, whispering into his ears, telling him things he knows are true. How vile he is, how disgusting, how his mother would be ashamed of him.

Oh, mother. Mother, mother, mother. He screams, covering his ears, trying to block out the hallucinations. He sees his mother, briefly, painfully. He wonders what she'd think if he saw him now, kneeling in someone's insides. And it's true. She would be ashamed of this; this awful thing, this boy with tired eyes, ripped clothes, black nails, mouth smeared with blood. She'd be disgusted.

He can't face that. He can't face the fact that his own mother would hate him if she could see him now. His stomach, completely full, turns again and he coughs, throwing up a mixture of blood and partly-digested body parts. It doesn't stop. He continues to throw up, trying desperately to rid his body of the food. Soon, there's no more to get rid of, and the tears flow freely again. He must look so pathetic, screaming like this, clawing at his own skin. He's screaming so loudly that he doesn't even hear the door open.

Then there's a body behind him, warm arms around his waist, a soothing voice replacing the menacing ones in his ears. He knows this voice, these arms, this scent. It's all too familiar.

"S-Shuu....Shuu...." he chokes out, still sobbing.

"It's okay, Ken. It's okay, I'm here," Tsukiyama responds, turning Kaneki around and pulling him into his arms.

Kaneki curls into the embrace, grabbing desperately at the back of Tsukiyama's shirt, head resting on his chest. Tsukiyama strokes his hair, kissing the top of his head.

"I killed so many, Shuu, so so many," Kaneki says, his voice muffled. Tsukiyama doesn't reply. He knows from experience that Kaneki would rather stay silent when he's like this. Instead, he lets him cry. He'll tire soon, and then when they're back home he'll tell him everything. Wordlessly, he rubs Kaneki's back, ignoring the still-wet blood staining the material. They sit in silence for a while, surrounded by bodies, the stench of death still hanging ominously in the air. Then, unexpectedly, Kaneki speaks.

"Can we go home?" he asks hoarsely, raising his head. His hair is matted with blood, his eyes are red and watery and his ashen face is tear-stained, but he's still beautiful. He's always beautiful.

Tsukiyama smiles. "Of course. Let's get out of here." Kaneki returns the smile. It's not a real smile, of course. He's too fucked up right now, too filled with emotions to smile genuinely, but he does it anyway.

Leaning down, Tsukiyama kisses Kaneki. It's a chaste, closed-mouth kiss, but to both of them it's perfect. It's a reminder that it's going to be okay. Through Kaneki's self-hatred, through all the massacres he carries out to fuel his hunger, through all the suffocating guilt afterwards. They can get through it. Tsukiyama helps Kaneki to his feet, leaving the grim scene behind for someone else to discover, and their eyes meet. Kaneki hesitates for a moment, looking around at the mess one last time, before grabbing hold of Tsukiyama's hand.

"I love you, Shuu," he says.

Tsukiyama leans down and kisses Kaneki once again. He tastes blood, ghoul blood, but he doesn't care. All he cares about is that Kaneki is safe, and he's here with him, and even though he's fucked up beyond repair, he's okay for now. They'll be okay.

"I love you too, Ken."

They don't look back once as they leave.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is kanaesama.tumblr.com hit me up :V


End file.
